Life lessons I learned from driving

I’ve been feeling philosophical of late, probably something to do with me turning another year older. As I lurk deeper into the same old questions that I often ask myself, about life and its purpose, I find myself getting productive on days like today. Driving home from work, the skies looked unusually beautiful today. Shades of orange and purple spread through a blue and grey canvas, further beyond my eyes could see. Unfortunately however, I couldn’t afford to continue staring at it for long, unless I planned to join angels in the same sky, by giving less attention to the road and more above. A beautiful evening, an unavoidable drive and a lurking curiosity about life, set me thinking, and I realized, the life lessons driving could teach me. I may not be a great driver, but I sure am good at life, imperfect, unsuccessful sometimes yet good. Opportunities to learn are always welcome, whether or not I actually do learn, is a different matter altogether. Here’s what I realised, life and driving have in common, and how I can learn and unlearn some things, through something I had been doing as routine for ages, paying no heed to the gems it had to offer.

1. Keep your eyes on the road, while also being aware of what’s around

This should come as no surprise, since it’s the golden, rather, the obvious rule of driving. The same rule applies to life as well. Keep your eyes on the road, focus on what you want and focus on getting ahead. It is important to look at the rear view mirror sometimes, to see how far you’ve come, but it shouldn’t be the focus of your journey. Look ahead and be aware of the challenges around you, so you don’t end up having a rough ride. Self awareness, may take conscious effort, but will only make your journey smoother. Whether on a path to achieve something, or in the simple act of getting through life one day at a time, keep your eyes ahead.

2. You have to be patient sometimes. There is just no other way!

How many times have you found yourself stuck in traffic, with absolutely no way out? How many times have you found yourself behind a new driver who goofed up in the middle of the road, and left you with no option, but to wait till he/she finds a way out and clears up the road? Losing your calm, will not make the traffic clear up sooner, or instill driving skills in the struggling driver. At times, like these, you have no option, but to stay patient and wait, wait for the solution, wait for the way. When life tests you, and you seem to have no answer, you just got to wait it out, keep calm and know that your journey doesn’t end with an obstacle. Any obstacle, is merely a pause, and has to, end.

3. You learn from your mistakes

When I first started driving, I would end up endowing my car with dents and scratches that I cried over. Sometimes, the damage was more serious, and ended up damaging other vehicles as well. Oh what a nightmare it used to be! Although I still have a love hate relationship with dents and accidents, I have come to realise that these mistakes have considerably reduced over time. I am cautious when I’m on the road, making sure I don’t punch another pack on my door, or a loving blow on somebody else’s car. With years of experience, I certainly do a better job now, and without actually knowing it, I learnt a great deal from my mistakes. Need I say more about how aptly this applies to life too? Don’t brood over your mistakes, instead, be grateful for all the things it taught you eventually.

4. You may be doing everything right, but you’ll still face obstacles, and it’s okay

You will always find idiots on the road. Sometimes you are the idiot, sometimes someone else is. There will be times when you do everything right, but you’ll still face challenges while driving, because some idiot decided to take the wrong route, overtake from the left, or made up his mind on testing, both the horns of his car and your patience too. No matter how prepared and right you are, you’re bound to face situations and people, who’ll make the ride unpleasant. You have two choices, either to sit and feel bad about how a drive you were so well prepared for, unexpectedly became unpleasant because of some idiot, or deal with it and move on, with the same spirit that you had before you encountered the issue. What matters in the end, is if you’ve reached where you intended to go. You may carry the unpleasantness of a hurdle, and make the journey less pleasant, or detach yourself from situations and people you have no control over, and continue with zeal. Ten out of ten times, it’s the latter that makes the drive worthwhile.

5. Dare!

When I first learned how to drive, I found myself petrified of the roads, despite having driven for a few months. I’d always end up taking someone along for company, so I wouldn’t end up dying alone. Jokes aside, I did need company all the time though, because I wasn’t sure if I had it in me, to drive without guidance. One day however, I decided to change it, and change I did. I drove all by myself, in the busiest of roads, only because I knew it was my fear that pulled me back, and I had to face it. Surprisingly, I did make it out alive and safe, and my confidence in driving sky rocketed ever since. I also find myself in tricky roads sometimes, and when there’s no other way out, I dare. If you find yourself stuck in a state for too long because you're scared of what lies beyond, dare! Take that first step, and miracles will follow. Only if you dare!

Blame the victim, no more!

Lying still on a hospital bed
 Bruises covering her body and head
 She tries to understand what is worse?
 Rape or rage, of the people who curse?
 
 "She must have asked for it
 Look at her clothes, how tight they fit
 So many guys, she calls them friends
 She shoud have known, this is how it ends"
 
 Writhing in pain, humiliation and fury
 She doesn’t know who's more evil? the criminals or the jury?
 How easy it is, oh how convenient it can be
 To blame the victim and set the monsters free!
 
 She didn’t ask for it, no she didn't
 It is fools who take her mere existence as a hint
 If her clothes offend you, you offend humanity
 For every gentleman will agree, clothes don't define chastity
 You blame her for having friends, why o why?
 Did you question the friends, whose friendship was a lie?
 
 "She was drinking, how could she?
 It isn't good for a girl, to be so free
 What else did she expect, hanging out this time of the night?
 Doesn't she know, wrong from right?"
 
 A frightening fire eats up her soul
 Punching her chest, leaving her heart with a hole
 What was more painful? The abuse or the blame?
 Different crimes, but they hurt just the same!
 
 How does alcohol make her more available?
 What kind of animals pounce on a human vulnerable?
 If you really do want to make late nights safer 
 Teach them the rules, and please spare her
 
 Enough! Enough with putting the victim to shame
 Enough with the injustice, with all the blame game!
 Point a finger, if you must
 Not on her, but on them and their lust
 Her clothes, her behavior, her freedom and her choice
 Are basic rights, not reasons to curb her voice
 No reason ever, justifies a crime so low
 Blame the victim no more, set her free, let her go!

Questions to a society that confuses me!

Like a maze, you're hard to get
Has anyone ever, your expectations met?
Social animals we are all, but who decides your rules?
Oh dear society, how do you so easily, turn us into fools?

Fair skinned people, find more love here
While the dark ones hide, in the shadow of your fear
How does an involuntary trait, overpower the beauty of a soul?
How do you forget, even diamonds come from coal?

You rate intelligence, through examinations and mark sheet
The smart ones are those, who somehow your standards meet
If street smartness and creativity were as unimportant as you make them to be
How did so many creative minds and school drop outs, make history?

The rich often have no trouble finding respect
It's the poor's need for it, that is often not met
How is it ok for a maid or a waiter to bear your insults?
Does the social ladder decide, a humans tolerance?

You take pride as you say, times are changing
But even today, a bride is expected to come with dowry and bling
If indeed, marriages are made in heaven
Why do women have to pay for a soulmate, and not the men?

Men who refuse to stay in their homeland, and fly away
Are deemed to be more succesful than the ones who stay
If foreign lands are the only way to find success
How come the ones here prosper nevertheless?

 Dear society, I could go on an on, but then I wonder
Several have screamed, has it made a difference ever?
Times change and sometimes you do too
But your hypocrisy always finds a way, to crawl back to you
You don't have to be perfect, but please keep your mind open
Because at the end of the day we are all the same! Hopeful, Struggling Humans!

Dear women, let's be kinder to each other

While women often complain about how many times they've been eve teased, harassed, stared at or looked down upon by some men, a horrendous reality we struggle with, not many of us speak about how we are often brought down by our own kind. 
 
 It warms my heart, to see women being kind to each other, sometimes going out of their way. "Hey, your shoes are amazing." "Hi stranger that i just came across in the washroom, I like your dress" "Oh, are you on your periods? Every girl here will make sure you’re comfortable" "Youre too busy with work? Let me order food for you, so you can eat without leaving your desk" "That boy made u cry? I'll break his legs. He apologised and made u smile? Oh you deserve the love girl, good for you" "Go ahead and achieve that goal, you're amazing girl" I smile as i think of such instances, but sadly, where there are soulful women like these amongst us, there are also more, many more women out there busy doing just the opposite.
 
 Growing up in a house that strongly supported gender equality, i didnt really face many concerns until i got out into the real world, but what took me by shock more, was when so many women out there, were ready to pull me down in their own little ways. In the recent years I have seen several women pointing fingers at each other, judging each other, grouping up against some, and silently bullying them. 
 
 Women in skirts are quick to call the ones in churidars behenji, the ones in churidars roll their eyes at the length of the other's skirt. Someone else's life choices gives us feed for weeks of gossip, quickly coming to conclusions, knowing nothing about their struggles. What is the point in screaming out to the world for equality, when we dont believe in equality amongst our own selves. How will someone else respect us, when we find respecting each other such a tough task?
 
 Who do we want our future daughters to be? The one that smiles at another woman, or quickly judges her? The one that helps another, or makes life more difficult for her. The one that extends a hand to pull someone from their pain, or pushes them deeper into it? What do we want our sons to learn about women? The ones who share an incredible bond? Or the ones who dont need chauvinists to pull them down, because they have enough among themselves.
 
Let’s stop victimising each other. Let's be kinder to each other. We know it isn't an easy life, let's try and make the journey better for our sisters out there. Imagine a world where women are constantly each others strength, building each other and growing each day. We may not have to fight for equality then, because we'll be teaching the world by example, how being good to each other can bring about wonders in the world.

Let's talk about depression!

The recent suicide of a 24 year old boy, dealing with drug abuse and depression, brings to light a subject, that has been ignorantly tucked in convenient corners of Indian minds. While our presuming society jumps to conclusion about what a coward he was, or how suicide was not the option, let's take a step back from our judgemental standpoints, and look at the actual issue at hand. Why did a boy, in fact, numerous other people, choose to end life in depression, than accept it and find a way out? 
 
 Why do people choose to find an escape out, than do something about it? The answer isn't as simple as 'They were cowards'. The bitter truth lies in the answer, that 'We are cowards'. We choose to brush depression under the carpet, as just another phase, just a bad time, or a modern western term that has fancied our attention. According to World Happiness Report 2017, on the happiest countries of the world, India stood in 118th position. In a country known for its colors and cultures, happy bollywood songs and dances, festivals and celebrations, we are unhappy. We hide monsters under our bed. The monsters of unhappiness and depression, that we refuse to look in the eyes of. The concern at hand isn't just about not normalizing depression, it strews to the stigma we attach to mental diseases in the country. People are petrified of even acknowledging a problem with their minds, in the fear of being termed 'mad'. 
 
 Imagine the state of a person in depression. As if it's not bad enough that they are dealing with a crippling disease, yes depression isn't just a phase its a disease that can happen to anybody, they also have to hide it from people around, because they'll only brush it off as a sad day, a sad week or even a month. How long can forced smiles, attempts to cheer oneself, or being around people help? While most find themselves helpless, unable to make sense of, or find a way out of it, others refuse to take professional help, because a doctor for the mind, is only meant for people who have no normal functioning minds. In a society, that makes jokes on mental hospitals, laughs at the supposed mad ones, ignores every other problem a mind can go through, and turns a blind eye on the importance of mental health, who do we blame for the ones finding solace from depression in drinks, drugs and death? The victim, or the ones that made this world so difficult for the victim? 
 
 Keeping aside the truth that suicide should never be an option, let's dig deeper and prevent these suicides. Let us talk! Let us open our minds and arms, to the ones dealing with depression. It's about damn time we talk about mental health as we do about physical. Depression can happen to anybody! Poor, rich, happy, sad, young, old, someone with a hundred friends or someone with no friends, someone single, someone in a relationship, or someone who broke up. If you happen to see signs of depression, in someone, don't ask them to get out of it, don't ask them to cheer themselves up. Sadness may go away with time, mental illness does not. Do what you can to help. Listen, understand and if need be arrange for professional help. If you're dealing with depression yourself, understand that you're not alone, and there is a way out, unlike how it seems to be. Be brave enough to talk about it, undergo counselling, or visit a professional. Remember, it is absolutely OK to not be OK.
 
Let's talk about it! Let's normalize mental health, instead of tabooing or shying away from it ! Let never again a precious life be lost, because of the dangerous damage our refusal to adress this concern has caused!

27 Life Lessons

1. Love yourself first. Life is a thousand times easier and better, when you fall in love with your own self first.
 
 2. Tea is always the answer. Sad? Sip some tea. Depressed? Sip some tea. Confused? Sip some tea. Angry? Make some tea and watch it boil your anger away, then of course, sip some tea.
 
 3. Save. Despite how difficult or annoying it seems, it's absolutely important to save some for a rainy day no matter what kind of personal cushion you have to fall back on. 
 
 4. Independence is sexy. Mental, Emotional, Financial and Social. An independent woman can take on the world.
 
 5. Cherish the simple joys of life. You're blessed to be able to experience them.
 
 6. You loose friends as you grow up, and it’s a good thing. It's your life's way of filtering the best out for you. With age, you only want the ones that truly care, around you, anyway.
 
 7. Happiness doesnt have to be an occurance, it can be your state of mind, only if you choose to. Being happy need not be associated with an event, it can be an everyday affair, when you learn to accept that you truly deserve to be happy.
 
 8. Your skin and body need your attention. They don't just get in their best form without being attended to.
 
 9. Karma is not always a bitch. Or it is, depending on the action. Be good, good will come back to you. Be bad, worse will come back to you. The same goes with the ones that wrong you. Don't waste your time brooding over who did what. Karma is watching, they'll get served too.
 
 10. You don't need so many clothes, you just need the right ones. Piling up clothes in your closet only to stick with a few is an absolute waste of money and space. Don't spend on your clothes, invest in them.
 
 11. Never compare. You're blessed to have what you have, and there are thousands out there who dream of a life like yours. Be happy with what you have, while working for what you don’t.
 
 12. There is no such thing as entitlement. You don't deserve to get things out of luck and destiny. Want something, work for it. Even the rich and famous work hard to retain what they have.
 
 13. Love should be your strength, not your weakness. It shouldn't define you, it sure should enhance you though.
 
 14. Regrets are a waste of time and energy. At one point it was exactly what you wanted, why else would you have made a mistake? Every mistake is a lesson in disguise.
 
 15. The beach has magic. How else do you explain the bliss rushing water on your feet brings?
 
 16. Life is difficult for an empath. You tend to put yourself in someone else's shoes, walk a bit in it trying to understand their pain and sorrow, and soon forget they aren't even your shoes and end up feeling bad. Learn to detach.
 
 17. Old people need your time and attention. Be kind to old people, it must not be easy to have been young and independent once and reach a dependent, helpless stage now. A few kind words and attention wont cost a thing to you, but can mean the world to them.
 
 18. Push yourself out of the comfort zone. There is nothing more evil than comfort zone. You got to push yourself out of it, to see the wonders that lie beyond.
 
 19. It's absolutely okay to make a mistake. Not owning up to it, is not okay. Accept your mistakes gracefully.
 
 20. Trust actions, not words. Believe how people treat you, not what they say. 
 
 21. Parents are not sacrificing machines. They have a life of their own. Don't let them make sacrifices for you all the time only because they dont mind doing it.
 
 22. Let people go to hell. Well, not literally. When you find yourselves wondering what will people think, let them go to hell. Your own happiness over anybody's judgement anyday, that is of course, if youre not going to hurt anyone in the process.
 
 23. Credit card is evil, truly, maliciously, scarily evil. Stay the hell away form it. No matter how much you think you can have a control over it, you'll end up in its control pedalling a cycle of debt.
 
 24. Be humble. No matter where you reach or what you achieve, always stay in touch with your roots.
 
 25. Ignorance may be bliss to you, but your ignorance shouldn't be a pain to someone else. Know the answers, seek the answers. Know!
 
 26. Give people their space, take your own space too. There's a reason why humans are not parasites. We coexist out of our will, for our own joy. Our own space in this coexistence, only makes the journey better. 
 
 27. You have only one life, and you have no idea for how long. So live fully, laugh madly, love whole heartedly. Just freakin live!

Dear Men…Thank you!

Just like we believe women must be celebrated everyday, not just on March 8, gentlemen that stand up to the term , must be appreciated too without looking at the calendar. Yes, the world is an unsafe place for women, and unfortunately half the reasons why it is so, comes from men. What makes me happy though, is that not all men are the same. Here's to the men, that believe both women and men stand together. Surrounded by several unspoken rules and norms, prejudices and judgement, women may not have it easy, but some true gentlemen make this ride worthwhile with their liberal thinking and supportive love. Here's to all such cool men out there.

Thank you for celebrating your daughter's birth, giving her the best of education. Thank you for not letting her think for once, that she can't be as good or better than the boys. Thank you for teaching her how to stand up for herself, without being scared. To stand up to the bullies, and punch them back if punched, instead of being a victim. Thank you for not chosing to save between her wedding and her higher education. Thank you for creating a world so normal for your daughter, that when she hears about inequalities in households, she finds it hard to believe that it actually happens, for equality is all she has seen at home. Thank you for setting examples for your son, and showing him how to treat a woman right.

Thank you, for not thinking cooking is a woman's job only. Thank you for not hesitating to make breakfast for her, while she packs your lunch. Thank you for surprising your wife with bed coffee. Thank you for taking over the household work sometimes, because you think it can be tiring for her to do it without a break. Thank you for taking turns to do the laundry. Thank you for washing the dishes when she's tired. Thank you for making equal efforts while parenting. Thank you for being a son to her parents, while she tries to be a daughter to yours. Thank you for being proud of her, when she crosses mile stones in her career and goes on to make other achievements.

Thank you for not freaking out, when she wants to give your wallet a break and pay on a date. Thank you for raising an eyebrow when they speak of dowry. Thank you for finding this tradition unfair. Thank you, for not believing in the obnoxious belief that the groom's side overpower the bride's in a wedding. Thank you for believing in consent, before and after marriage.

Thank you for protecting your sister, while believing she has the freedom to make her choices. Thank you for treating women right, because you have one back at home, and you wouldn’t want her to be treated wrong either.

Thank you for treating your daughter in law just the way you treat your son. Thank you for believing that he's bringing home a bride, not a maid. Thank you for cheering her on and making her comfortable in her new home. Thank you for not expecting her to give up on her dreams and life, just because she's married.

Thank you for applauding your colleague, instead of assuming she got promoted through unfair means. Thank you for not minding taking orders from your boss who's a woman, because you don't let gender dictate your commitment to work. Thank you for sharing her work at office when she wanted to leave early, without thinking she can't handle both work and home. Thank you for being instrumental in building a safe and comfortable work environment, where she doesn't feel unsafe or judged.

Thank you for raising your voice when you witness eve teasing. Thank you for blocking the view and staring back at the man, who doesn't have the best intentions in a crowded bus. Thank you for taking a no from a girl respectfully, instead of losing your mind over it and blaming her ego. Thank you for taking care of a drunk girl, and dropping her home safe. Thank you for not deciding the character of a girl by the clothes she wears. Thank you for knowing the difference between appreciating beauty and leering. Thank you for refusing to believe a rumor about a girl, because nobody in the group knows the truth, and it's none of their business anyway. Thank you for not believing all girls are the same, based on sad past experiences. Thank you for not calling someone a bitch, because she decides to live life on her own terms which may not necessarily be in line with your thought process.

Dear Men, the ones who make the women in their lives smile, thank you for keeping your minds and hearts open. Thank you for truly believing that we both have the same rights to live and love life. Thank you for having the courage to fight patriarchy, in your own little ways. Thank you for putting in efforts, making us believe there may be bad men in the world, but there are great ones too! You may not be changing the world, but you sure are marking the beginning of a fair, just world.

Let’s teach our sons better

I am a feminist. No, I don't hate men and I don’t think women are superior to men. I'm not against women dressing up and looking good. You won't find me protesting against beauty pageants because it objectifies women, just as you won't find me talking against men's pageants either. I'm a firm believer in people holding the freedom to make their own choices. I believe women and men are equal, none lesser or greater than the other and that's why I sigh every time I see the need for women to protect themselves. I'm not saying violence and harassment against men dont exist. It sure does, and is sadly often hidden behind the tough exterior men are forced to put up. Being a woman though, I find myself better equipped to speak about us.

They say you can't change the world in a day. I say you can at least give it a try. I wake up every morning to news of dowry deaths and sexual harassment against women. Candle light marches happen, debates on news channels raking TRPs happen. We contemplate the alarming need for attention to the issue at large, point fingers, sympathize and move on eventually, only to find similar news in the papers again. Sure, we can't all stop our lives with an incident and be stuck with it. We can however, add a drop in the ocean of change that's been waiting to take form. Big changes begin with the smallest steps. What we teach our young ones today, will help create a better world tomorrow.

To build a world where our daughters don't need saving, let’s teach our sons better. When we talk of the length of a girl's skirt or the depth of her neckline, let’s teach our sons that it doesn't define her character. Let’s teach them, that it's what a person is and does that make her, not what she wears. If clothes defined character, we could all buy some in the stores for a price, but it doesn't. The clothes we wear are forms of our expression of self, not the scale against which our character be judged. Let’s teach our sons, that when a woman says no, she simply means no. Let’s teach them to give women the freedom of their choice. Let's teach them to respect their opinion. There are many men out there, who make their own interpretations of a woman's behavior. Let's teach our sons better. Let's teach them that a girl being being friendly, isn't giving hints. She doesn't become a bitch when she rejects his proposal. A woman with a drink and smoke in her hand, is as good or bad as a man doing the same. A woman who chooses to live life her way, is doing what exactly the men are doing, living the same life that they were given too. Let’s teach our sons that raising hand on a woman doesn’t depict strength, it’s the extreme opposite instead. When they grow up into fine young men, let's teach them the difference between complimenting and catcalling. Let's teach them the difference between pursuing and harassing. Let's teach them the difference between assuming what a woman wants and asking what she does. When your son sees his mother in he kitchen, let him know that she does it out of love and choice, and that there's no shame in him sharing the load when he grows up. Let’s teach our sons that women don't belong in the kitchen, they choose to go there, just like they can too. Let's teach our sons to give women the freedom to make friends irrespective of gender, without being judged. Let's teach our sons to stand up for the girls they know, when they hear rumours from jilted lovers and rejected suitors. Beauty is only skin deep. Let her beauty not be limited to how skinny or curvy she is. Teach them to look for the beauty within. Let's teach them that it's not okay to assume women are the weaker sex.

Let’s create more open minds and bigger hearts. Let’s teach them to help build a world where both sons and daughters have the same freedom to make the most of their lives.

Kudos to all the amazing parents who've done, and been doing this in their own little ways. You, are making this world a better place. Let’s build a world where our sons are brought up so well, that our daughters aren't asked to come back home before it gets dark, because it's not safe out there.