Back in time...

Reflections of the colorful lights hanging above the edge of the lake, glistened in the water below. Cold breeze teased the pond as the reflection swayed in its ripples. A faint fragrance from lilies nearby, lingered in the air. Poetic it seemed, the weather, the ambiance and the colours around him, yet none of it struck a chord with him like she did. Sitting alone by the lake, content with her own company, she stared into the abyss of the night sky, losing herself like she always did. He knew it was her, he couldn’t be wrong. The way she wore her scarf around her neck, the way she loosely plaited her hair, the way she couldn’t get enough of the night sky and the way her hands rested on the ground behind her as she looked up, he knew it was her! He could recognize her with his eyes closed, he didn’t have to see her face to know it was her! Who else would sit in solace all alone, in the middle of the night?

His heart raced with every step he put forward, that took him closer to her. He brushed his hair with his hand amidst the nervousness and adjusted his jacket again. ‘Had I known I would see her today after all this while I would have worn something better’ he thought to himself, surprised at his own sudden interest in grooming. ‘Will she want to talk to me? Does her face still look the same, with freckles on her cheek and eyes lined with the darkest of kohl?’ he wondered. Does her nose still turn red on cold nights? Does she still bite her nails in excitement?’ he thought to himself as he walked closer, overwhelmed.

A sudden realization dawned on him as he stood a few steps right behind her. Would she be as happy to meet him as he was? Would she even consider talking to him or walk away? ‘Am I making a mistake?’ he thought to himself, standing frozen on the pebbled pathway that led to her. Standing so close to her, yet not being able to speak to her or touch her, a familiar pain rushed through his veins. Her presence still brought the same excitement in him like it did long ago, only this time, it came with the nervousness of her reaction. A few more steps and everything would change! Seeing her face again would only make his yearning for her stronger.  If she despised him now, the wound that he foolishly tried hard to heal over a year, would bring in more pain. Despite all the months that passed by, he could still feel the warmth of her fingers behind his neck from the last time they kissed. It was what kept him sane on cold lonely nights. ‘Does she still feel the same way about me as I do about her even now?’ he wondered. ‘How will I ever move on if I see her again?’ He laughed almost immediately, knowing too well that he was stuck forever. ‘But what if she hates me now?’ he thought to himself, quickly turning around. No! It wasn’t a thought he could bear, let alone face it. He couldn’t ruin his beautiful memory of them, he just couldn’t! With a heavy heart and swollen eyes, he decided to walk away, letting beautiful memories be just that.

“I thought you’d sneak up from behind and close my eyes like you always did” he heard her voice. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he smiled at the goose bumps she still managed to give him.

“How did you know it was me?” he asked as he quickly turned around. ‘Damn! I love her’ he sighed, seeing her face again. Her eyes still had the same magic in them. Her plait couldn’t tame the unruly hair that fell on her face. ‘Some things never change I guess’ he thought to himself as he found a missing piece of his heart in her beckoning warm smile. She was wearing the same color she did the last time they were together. This time he hoped, it would mark new beginnings unlike the last time.

“I just did! She smiled, gesturing him to sit next to her.

‘What a sweet woman’ he thought to himself.  ‘After all that I did to her, she still has the same smile for me’ he smiled back, with a pinch of guilt.

“How have you been?” she said, leaning on to hug him.

All of a sudden, his heart raced with a sudden rush of emotions. The smell of her hair, the touch of her bare neck across his, and her hands that held his arms tight, made him want to break down. ‘How can she continue being so good to me?’ he whimpered, but put on a brave face. “I’m good!” he lied.

“Remember how we used to dream of owning a house by the lake” she smiled, ignoring the pain in his eyes. She had to wait for the right to time to heal it, it wasn’t the right time yet.

“We would all spend our nights by a fire outside, next to the lake. You and I, and dozens of our kids” he laughed, recollecting the dreams they had built together.

“Remember how we used to spend days together in comfortable silence?”

“I never had to think when I was with you. Even silence seemed beautiful.”

“Remember how we would laugh our hearts out in the middle of a drive over some silly joke on the radio?” she chuckled. “You don’t laugh anymore, do you?” she said, noticing the lines on his forehead and the wrinkles under his eyes.

“Remember how we used to dream of growing old together?” he said, tears rolling down his eyes, clutching her hand tighter. It didn’t seem to bother him what she would think of him. He didn’t care if he looked weak, he didn’t care if it spoiled his image of being the tough one that he was in the relationship. All he wanted was a chance to grow old with her again.

“That’s not possible now, is it?” she whispered, wiping away the tears off his face. He couldn’t imagine how she found the grace and courage to console the same person who gave her all the pain. Here she was, trying to make him feel better, when all he hoped was to undo the past and bring her some joy again.

“Let it go now…It’s been a year already” she said, moving her eyes to the lake again.

“I can’t…” he said, swallowing a lump in his throat. “I’m the one who brought you here” he said, blood rushing through his veins remembering the fateful night.

“Let it go now…” she smiled again, refusing to move her eyes from the lake.

“No! I can’t” he screamed, losing his cool, as tears rolled down his eyes again. Without saying a word, she wiped away his tears again. Her calm composure fed the fire of his guilt and pain further.

His thoughts went rushing back to the dreadful night exactly a year ago. Oh! He would trade his life to go back to the night and change it if he could. “You shouldn’t drive, you’re too drunk” she pleaded yet again, as he got in the car. “I’m not! I only had a few drinks! You know how good I am behind the wheel. I can manage” he said, stumbling the key through the ignition hole. “Will you please let me drive?” she pleaded yet again. She had tried it all, pleading, losing her temper, threatening, but he wasn’t someone to budge, especially after a few drinks. “Next time baby!” he kissed her cheeks, and jolted the car with a sudden start. “Slow down!” she screamed half way through the drive but the adrenaline rush that came with the alcohol and high speed combined, was worth it he thought. Her worst fear came true when a speeding truck from the opposite direction took them by shock. He thought he had his control over the car but a sudden jolt from the piercing light from the truck, combined with his dizzy head and numerous controls of the car seemed too much to take. Before he knew it, the car flew off the hilly road next to the lake, as they tumbled inside the car in shock, unable to handle the painful blows that came their way. Amidst his fading consciousness and withering pain, he looked at her one last time. The scarf around her neck was drowned in a color he wished he hadn’t seen. Her plait that couldn’t tuck in her unruly hair was withered too.  The freckles on her face were hardly visible through the wounds, tears rolled down the smudged kohl, as she reached out to his hand. Smiling through the pain, she knew it was the end, she did! He was too much in pain, both physically and mentally to wonder how she had the strength and love to forgive him. He survived! She didn’t!

‘You’re too drunk, you shouldn’t drive’ her last words echoed in his mind a year later, as they sat next to the same lake.

“Let it go now…” she smiled, placing her hand over his.

“I can’t…” he pleaded, rubbing his eyes and before he knew it she was gone!